


A Difficult Thing to Find

by 221blackandwhitestripes



Series: Gotham Season 5 Fics [5]
Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Compliant, Canon Rewrite, Episode: s05e05 Pena Dura, First Kiss, Fix-It, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hopeful Ending, I Made it Better Okay?, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, One Shot, Season/Series 05, Short & Sweet, THAT SCENE, you know the one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-22 15:39:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17665337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/221blackandwhitestripes/pseuds/221blackandwhitestripes
Summary: “You better go, my dear,” Oswald told him almost absentmindedly, gaze directed at the rooftop rather than Ed. “I can hardly be caught with a dangerous fugitive in my home, now, can I?”Ed chuckled. “No, you certainly can’t.”Or, how that scene in 5x05shouldhave gone.





	A Difficult Thing to Find

**Author's Note:**

> Not much to say, except I hope you like this :)

Oswald's residence in the former City Hall had never been a secret. In fact, Ed had contemplated visiting him there many times over the last few weeks. But never like this. 

“The army’s invading the city. Blocking everyone out. They’re coming this way.” Ed picked his way around the edges of the room, quietly seething as he kept a watchful eye on the two figures standing by the window. 

“ _Please,_ ” Oswald scoffed loud enough for his voice to carry to Ed's ears. “An invasion is tanks. _Infantry_. These are scouts.”

Ed spied the gun resting on Oswald’s table and tiptoed towards it.

“What about Nygma?” Ed clenched his left fist reflexively, snatching the gun up with his other hand. 

“We got feelers out.” _Feelers._ How laughable. 

“Well, you tell your _‘feelers’_ ,” Oswald elongated the word mockingly, an echo of Ed's mind, “-that the first man who brings me Nygma is the one who gets to live.” Ed gritted his teeth. “ **Now!** ” Oswald waved his man away and Ed slipped behind one of the many pillars and out of sight. 

Oswald huffed to himself, the echo of laughter filling the large room and gracing Ed’s ears. It had been a long time since Ed had witnessed that familiar exasperation. It curled up in his mind like a cat settling in its owner’s lap, purring gently.

“I am surrounded by morons, Edward,” Oswald stated as he crossed the room. Ed pursed his lips. How did Oswald know he was-

Ed’s eyes skirted around the pillar, following Oswald’s figure to find...

 _Oh_. Oh, wow.

A dog. Oswald Cobblepot was talking to a _dog_. A dog named Edward. And people called _Ed_ crazy.

“If I didn’t have an empire to run, I would go get Nygma myself.” Edward rolled his eyes, readying his grip on his gun. No missteps this time, he’d make sure of it. No witches would be able to save Oswald when he has a bullet stuck in his brain.

Oswald stalked across the room once more, heading in Ed’s direction. It seemed the time to strike was now.

“Hello, Oswald,” he greeted, gun raised and pointed as he observed the look of terror on the other man’s face. “We have a great deal to talk about. But first,” (Best to get more pressing matters out of the way,) “Did you name your dog after me?”

Oswald’s mouth fell open, clearly struggling for an answer.

“That’s what I thought,” Ed snapped.

Oswald shrugged, pursing his lips. “I would have thought you’d take it as a compliment, _Human_ Ed.”

Ed glared. He was not interested in playing _games._

“Ed?” Oswald’s expression drained away, the spark in his eyes dying.

“What did you _do_ to me?” Ed could barely swallow the words out. He felt like a complete imbecile. There was a time where he’d believed Oswald could _never_ hurt him. His previous betrayals were bad enough. But _this_. 

Oswald’s eyes remained wide, confused. His lips remained sealed. 

“ _Oswald_ ,” Ed prompted, impatient to get this over with, to learn the truth as fast as possible so he could escape this hell hole where a man stood, looking like a loved one but acting like an enemy.

“What are you talking about?” Oswald asked. The lack of accusation in Oswald’s tone scared him. He wasn’t supposed to sound like that.

“Oh, _please_ ,” Ed dismissed, determined to push away Oswald’s lies. He’s had enough of them for a lifetime. “You did something to me.” Oswald’s gaze wavered, eyes almost glassy as they turned to the gun in Ed’s hand. Ed gritted his teeth and gestured for Oswald to step away, backing him into the middle of the room. “ _YOU_ are the reason I killed those people.” Ed hated the way his voice broke, hated how the gun shook in his grasp, hated the way Oswald stared at him, shocked and sad and _pitying_.

_How could he?_

“How _could_ you?” Something climbed up the back of Ed’s throat, threatened to snap his vocal cords and lay waste to him as tears gathered in his eyes. His lip trembled, some words remaining unsaid, for they should never be spoken aloud.

_I have trusted you, I have cared for you, I have **loved** you._

_How could you?_

“You have made me into some _murderous puppet_.” The shout echoed and Ed’s hand shook harder. Oswald simply stayed there, staring. “For weeks, I have been waking up in strange places, not knowing how I got there or what I did!”

Oswald kept gawking. Why wouldn’t he speak? Could he not see what he’d done, what this _meant?_ There was no coming back from this, he had to understand. They could never come back.

“-Driving myself _mad_ , thinking I had _gone_ mad.” His chest felt like it had burst open, hidden truths bursting out like gas in a building about to explode.

All those _people_.

“And now I know that it was _your_ doing.” _How could he?_

Oswald’s mouth opened, breath hissing like he was letting something escape. A butterfly on the wind, unaware of the fires that burned below. 

“Of everything that you have put me through,” his lip trembled, but he refused to cry. Oswald needed to know. “ _This?_ This is the _most_ cruel.” _We can never come back from this._

Oswald’s mouth opened, he shook his head silently like he couldn’t begin to comprehend what was happening. He had to have known this moment would come. He had to realize that Ed would find out one day, that he couldn’t hide from what he’d done forever. Now, there would be _blood_.

“Ed,” Oswald's voice was too soft, he hated it, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” So soft, like Ed was a deer in the wild Oswald wished to slaughter.

His grip around the gun tightened.

“I did _not_ make you do anything,” Oswald told him emphatically, eyes wide and sincere, cutting deep. Ed remembered the docks, the look in Oswald’s eyes.

_“Please, you can’t do this.”_

Shivers.

“And what is _‘I will fix you’_?” Oswald glanced away, avoiding his eyes, and Ed would _not_ have that, bunching Oswald’s tie in his fist and pulling him closer. “You didn’t _fix_ me. You _broke_ me.”

“W-wait!” Oswald insisted, hands shaking between their faces. Ed couldn’t remember the last time he’d heard Oswald stutter. “No-” burst of barely-there words for only Ed to hear in their close proximity. Ed would call their embrace intimate if there wasn’t a gun clutched in his hand.

“I said that to you the night the bridges blew!” Ed pushed Oswald away, readying his gun again. He will not let Oswald paint circular lies around him this time.

_“You know as well as I that a man facing death will say anything to save his skin.”_

“You think I wouldn’t remember?” Ed asked, teeth knotted together like an escape rope.

“ _No_ , Ed!” Oswald shouted. Ed found himself relieved. He didn’t think he could handle that soft, delicate tone any longer. “I saved your life! That’s _it!_ ”

Ed swallowed bleach and sand, felt it grate on his insides.

“What are you talking about?”

Oswald sighed, that familiar exasperation leaking out, delicious.

_Delicious?_

“You had been stabbed,” by Oswald’s tone, Ed would say he was sick of this conversation, “I paid Hugo Strange to save your life.” Oswald gasped, eyes sparking as he clicked his fingers. Ed had missed that look as well.

_Missed?_

“I bet he did something to you when he was patching you up.” Oswald continued to gasp, a flicker of fire in his eyes. But Ed didn’t care for his _theories_. There was something more important here.

“You paid Hugo Strange to save me?” Ed asked. Oswald stared him, eyes wide and mouth open. “Why?”

Oswald straightened himself, visibly replacing his armour like a soldier who’d been pierced through the heart one too many times. “What was I supposed to do?” _Nothing._ “Let you die?”

Ed’s hands shook.

_Let you die?_

Oswald, he… he…

“After Butch, you were my only friend,” Oswald justified, voice raw.

Oh, _lord_ , right when he thought Oswald might actually _care_.

“ _You shot Butch!_ ” Ed shouted, raising his gun in his own exasperation before remembering himself and pointing it at Oswald’s heart once more. Oswald rolled his eyes.

“ **WHICH IS WHY I NEEDED YOU!** ” Oswald screamed. What?

Ed replayed the phrase inside his mind.

_I needed you._

_I needed you._

_I needed you._

Ed needed him, too.

Oswald growled in frustration, turning and stalking away to slam his hands on a decorative table behind him. He didn’t seem all too concerned by the gun on his back. Not that Ed was pointing it at him anymore anyway.

“You needed me?” He echoed. Oswald’s shoulders visibly tightened. “You… you needed me?”

“So what if I did?” Soft again. Ed couldn’t stand it.

“If you really _needed_ me,” he began, “Why did I wake up alone?”

“What?” Quiet still, like Oswald didn’t understand. Perhaps he couldn’t.

Ed swallowed. “I’ve spent the last few weeks _terrified_.” Ed breath shuddered out, ribs quaking as he silently thanked Oswald for having his back turned so he couldn’t see the tears in his eyes. “And where were you?”

“Here, Ed,” Oswald replied exasperatedly, back still turned. There, that was better. “I was here. _Running_ things.”

Ed shook his head, blinking the world dark for a moment before he had to face it again.

“Why would you save me and then leave? What did you _want?_ ” Ed shouted, gun rising in his anger, wavering between pointing at Oswald or the ground.

“You, Ed!” Oswald turned, finally, fists clenched, eyes glaring daggers. It was Ed’s turn for his mouth to drop open. “...Alive. I wanted you alive,” Oswald quickly amended, wincing visibly. Ed wondered if it was his leg or something else that pained him.

“Alive?” He questioned, remaining dubious.

“Alive, _yes_ ,” Oswald repeated emphatically. Ed didn’t understand.

“You… You went to all that trouble… Just so you could _know_ that I was still alive?” Ed shook his head. No, he didn’t believe it.

“Look, _Ed,_ ” Oswald hissed. “I’m sorry that my feelings continue to discourage and disgust you, but that is the _reason_ I let you go in the first place.”

_What?_

“If you are asking me whether just knowing you were alive was enough, then I’m afraid the answer is no, it will never be enough,” Oswald continued, the anger in his voice at complete odds with the meaning in his words. “But it is _far_ better than watching you die on a concrete floor, a knife in your gut and your blood _everywhere,_ I-” Oswald’s voice broke then cut away and Ed was shocked to find actual fear in Oswald's eyes the moment before he turned away again.

Ed took a step back. Oswald's shoulders were shaking, he could see it. All of this, it was so… overwhelming. Ed wanted to run and hide, slip away from the churning feeling in his guts, the softness in Oswald’s voice, the wet breathing he wished he couldn’t hear.

He swallowed the fear, felt it quell in his stomach, shatter the pain in his skull. Oh dear, he was really doing this.

“I didn’t think you cared.”

Oswald laughed wetly and Ed felt himself flinch. “You’re not the only one, believe me.”

Ed pressed his lips together. “You could have just left me. Then you wouldn’t have had to… watch.”

Oswald laughed harder, turning to face him again. Ed immediately wished he hadn’t, seeing Oswald’s face was wet, moisture gathering at the tip of his nose and his pointed chin.

“You know, that never occurred to me, Ed,” he laughed. _Why not?_ “But I’ll be sure to consider your advice next time I see you lying half-dead in a pool of your own blood.”

“Is that likely to happen soon?” Ed questioned.

Oswald shook his head, continuing to chuckle. “With the world the way it is, who’s to say?”

Ed nodded pressing his lips together as he searched for the right words for Oswald to understand what he… what he felt.

“It… It does rather seem like there are no second chances left,” he settled on, wishing he could do better but knowing there was no chance of that happening.

“You’re telling me,” Oswald laughed. “Oh, Ed.” Still chuckling. Ed would consider asking if he was high if he didn’t know better. “I’ve been through so much, these past weeks.” Slowly, the laughter died and Ed was faced with Oswald’s sincere stare once more. “I admit, I have missed you.”

Ed swallowed. “So much so, you named your dog after me.”

Oswald rolled his eyes, sighing out his exasperation. “Ed, must you-”

“I missed you too.” It left his mouth before he could change his mind, words tumbling together like beads falling down a string or the perfect clicking together of a Newton’s Cradle.

Oswald seemed genuinely startled, shocked from his line of thought. “Well, that’s…” Ed watched avidly as Oswald cleared his throat. “That’s very kind for a man who was pointing a gun at me not five minutes ago.”

“I could point it at you again if you like,” Ed offered quickly.

Oswald chuckled. “I think we can make do without it, although I admit it adds a certain spice.”

Ed’s looked away, feeling a flush crawl up his skin. “Yes, well…” He trailed off.

They stayed in silence, Ed too afraid of meeting Oswald’s eye to glance up at his expression.

“So, you really missed me?” Oswald’s tone prodded softly, aching in Ed’s ears.

“Yeah,” he replied, quiet too.

“Well, am I not just the luckiest?” Oswald huffed, not mocking, more… self-deprecating.

“Oswald,” Ed began, swallowing as he prepared to dive into the icy waves and salvage what he’d allowed to sink into the depths. “What do you really want?”

Oswald blinked at him, bewildered.

Ed had never been the best swimmer, oh dear, oh dear, _oh dear-_

“Is it not obvious?” Came the question from Oswald’s lips. Ed blinked at him in surprise.

“I… Not to me,” he answered, shaking his head to punctuate his point. His gaze slid down to the ground.

“Ed, look at me.” His gaze snapped up again. Oswald was looking at him strangely. “I _still_ love you.”

All the breath left Ed’s body at once. He was truly drowning in the icy depths now.

“What?” His brain spilled off his tongue, matter dripping from his chin. “Why?”

Oswald laughed. “You really don’t know much if you think there needs to be a reason.”

“Oh.” Ed hadn’t considered that. Well, then. Perhaps he loved Oswald too.

“That being said,” Oswald huffed. “You are quite a remarkable man, Edward Nygma. Intelligent, thoughtful, diligent, needlessly kind and caring, not to mention very attractive.” Ed felt heat flame all the way up to his ears as he watched Oswald’s lazy smile grow on his face. “Why shouldn’t I love you?”

“Well, I shot you,” Ed blurted out, not sure what else to say.

Oswald shrugged, smirking. “Semantics.”

Ed frowned. “I don’t think so, Oswald.”

“Ed,” Oswald rolled his eyes, “I’ve forgiven you already. I’ve moved on.”

_Moved on?_

“You met someone?” Ed swallowed sudden nausea in his stomach, clenching his teeth as he tried to bear the sudden overwhelming truth that he was too late to-

“God, Ed, _no_ ,” Oswald shook his head almost fondly, “You really like to jump to conclusions, don’t you?”

Ed frowned again. “That’s rather rude to say to someone you supposedly love.”

“Too bad,” Oswald shrugged, “It’s what you get for hurting me.”

Ed raised his eyebrow. “An odd punishment,” he concluded.

“Oh, but I bet you like punishment.” Oswald winked saucily, seeming to delight in Ed’s blush. “You still haven’t apologized for what you did, by the way.”

Really? “I haven’t? I thought I did.”

“I don’t mean the docks, I mean what you did just now, coming in here and accusing me of something that I would never do,” Oswald snapped, tugging on his suit jacket. “I’m offended, quite frankly.”

“Oh.” Ed smiled. “Well, I’m sorry.”

“Yes, well,” Oswald cleared his throat. “Rest assured, Edward Nygma,” he said softly, “If I wanted you to suffer, I would never do it in some _backhanded_ way. If you and I are _ever_ at odds again, you will know without a doubt that I am your enemy.” Oswald stepped forward, slowly entering Ed’s space. He found he liked him there. “I promise you that. As a _friend_.” Oswald’s voice broke on the last word, and Ed was shocked to see Oswald’s lips twist as tears pooled in his eyes again. He was shocked by all of it, really.

It sounded like a vow, like something Ed could depend on, put his trust in. 

In a place like Gotham city, that was a difficult thing to find.

“Goodness, Oswald,” Ed shook his head, looking down at the gun still hanging limply in his hand. “What a _mess_. I might have killed you.”

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t,” Oswald replied.

“Oswald,” Ed looked up at him again, capturing his gaze, “If that day ever does come, I swear to you,” he pursed his lips, searching for the words. “I will stare you in the eye as I stab you in the heart.”

Oswald smiled, eyes bright with life. Now, that was what Ed had missed the most; that smile. What a beautiful thing to behold.

“So what now?” Oswald questioned. “Are we enemies again? Or friends?”

Ed frowned. “Why would we be either?”

“What do you mean, Ed?” Oswald laughed, but it was nervous this time, no venom or joy behind it. “I love you and you don’t love me back. That doesn’t seem to be a good combination for us.”

“What? Who says I don’t love you?” Ed questioned, utterly confused.

“You never said that, Ed,” Oswald sighed, rolling his eyes.

Oh. He might have just said it in his head again. He did that sometimes.

“Oh, well, then, I’m saying it now,” Ed replied firmly. “I love you.”

“Do you?” Oswald snarked, rolling his eyes again.

“Yes, Oswald,” Ed rested his hands on Oswald’s shoulders, the handle of his gun pressing against Oswald’s back. “I do.”

He caught a glimpse of Oswald’s wide-eyed stare before he closed his own eyes and leaned in.

“Oh,” Oswald mumbled before Ed pressed their lips together and felt the world grow blank around them.

_Bliss._

Suddenly, the rooftop shook above them, Oswald’s fragile knickknacks shuddering loudly.

“Oh dear,” Ed sighed, breaking away in disappointment.

“You better go, my dear,” Oswald told him almost absentmindedly, gaze directed at the rooftop rather than Ed. “I can hardly be caught with a dangerous fugitive in my home, now, can I?”

Ed chuckled. “No, you certainly can’t.”

Oswald grinned. “You will return, though?”

“I promise,” Ed told him. “Give my regards to the detective.”

“I will,” Oswald laughed.

Ed felt Oswald’s eyes remain on him as he shimmied his way back into the air vent and made his way back the way he came. He had a new mission now: Hugo Strange.

And, perhaps more importantly, someone to come home to. 

Well, if Oswald was still alive when he came back. A bullet in his brain did seem almost inevitable at this point. There were conspirators all around them, guns pointed from all directions. But he could survive. They both could.

This was Gotham, after all. Anything could happen.

**Author's Note:**

> Coolios. Well, thanks for reading! Any and all kudos/comments are greatly appreciated :D Have a great rest of your day/night.


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